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Stupid Quotes

"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours." 
- Yogi Berra 
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." 
- Vlade Divac, Basketball player 
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." 
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"Football players win football games." 
- Chuck Knox, coach 
"Every city I go to is an oppurtunity to paint, whether it's Omaha or Hawaii." 
- Tony Bennett, Singer 
"Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." 
- Mariah Carey
"Solutions are not the answer." 
- Richard Nixon
"I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time."
-Mariah Carey on hearing of the death of the King of Jordan.
"I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians." 
- Tommy Lasorda, former Dodger manager
"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." 
- Bill Clinton
"They misunderestimated me."
-George W. Bush
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." 
- Alan Minter, Boxer
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." 
- Britney Spears
"...more and more of our imports are coming from overseas."
-George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." 
- Dan Quayle
Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.
Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
Doug Collins
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
David Garcia, baseball team manager
I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
Samuel Goldwyn
Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
Gravestone Inscription
Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.
Pedro Guerrero
If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.
Paul Jacobs
All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.
Ralph Kiner
And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?
--Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day
Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
Reverand William Spooner
The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theisman
We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman




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