"Always go to other
peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."
- Yogi Berra
"We all get heavier
as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, Basketball player
"I think there is
a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"Football players
win football games."
- Chuck Knox, coach
"Every city I go to
is an oppurtunity to paint, whether it's Omaha or Hawaii."
- Tony Bennett, Singer
"Whenever I watch
TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
"Solutions are not
the answer."
- Richard Nixon
"I loved Jordan. He
was one of the greatest athletes of our time."
-Mariah Carey on hearing of the death of the King of Jordan.
"I was glad to see
Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians."
- Tommy Lasorda, former Dodger manager
"Politics gives guys
so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton
"They misunderestimated
me."
-George W. Bush
"Sure there have been
injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
"I get to go to lots
of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears
"...more and more
of our imports are coming from overseas."
-George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution
that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Dan Quayle
Congratulations on
breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.
Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench
Any time Detroit scores
more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
Doug Collins
Your food stamps will
be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there
is a change in your circumstances.
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
We apologize for the
error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course,
that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
The only reason we're
7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
David Garcia, baseball team manager
I don't think anyone
should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
Samuel Goldwyn
Here lies Jan Smith,
wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of
his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
Gravestone Inscription
Sometimes they write
what I say and not what I mean.
Pedro Guerrero
If people get a kick
out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.
Paul Jacobs
All of the Mets' road
wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.
Ralph Kiner
And now, will y'all
stand and be recognized?
--Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day
Was it you or your
brother who was killed in the war?
Reverand William Spooner
The word "genius"
isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theisman
We don't necessarily
discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman
